Kenwood Students Smartest in the Country

By: Sandy B, Candace H, Brendon M Alex N, David R

4th Period

In recent test scores, (because, as we know, test scores show intelligence) it has been discovered that Kenwood students are the smartest in the country. These students, who are self proclaimed "determated," are truly a group of super geniuses. Despite freshman failing rates and rapidly decreasing ACT scores, they are showing an increased ability level in all subjects taught. An amazing 5.96% of students are passing ALL their classes, and approximately 98% of the student body will believe made-up statistics. Even better news is that these already high percentages are increasing. More and more freshmen are already beginning to understand how gravity works. The question on everyone's lips is, how? And can the rest of the country immitate the tactics used in Kenwood?

Some would argue that the solution is in funding. Studies have shown that money going into Ron Huberman's pocket and going to superfluous events that no one attends are ACTUALLY the right way to spend it. These are much better uses of the taxpayer's money than silly things such as getting up-to-date textbooks or removing the asbestos from the ceilings. It is obvious that education is getting better because we have stopped spending money on frivolous things, like better computers.

It is also possible that public education is improving with the students' upbeat attitudes. Kenwood students are selfless, kind, and show up to school chipper everyday. Our reporters set up a station in the Kenwood lunch room where students could write messages about their incredible intelligence. One young woman (who wishes to remain anonymous) wrote:

"Jo i caint stan dis school. Imma drop outta dis ...." Those are the words of a true scholar.

Also, the students are all very hard working. Every student does all of their homework every night. The teachers are very demanding and give large amounts of work in class and to take home. But the students continue to meet these high expectations by doing all of their work and by being completely ready for all of their classes every day. They also have no complaints and lots of respect for their hard working teachers.

To sum it all up, Kenwood Academy and the Chicago Public School funding system are the best of their kind the United States has ever seen